Oftentimes, fear of other people’s opinion is the reason why most of us are unable to allow ourselves the marvellous privilege of getting to know ourselves!
My teachers were not the only ones who failed to interpret beyond what their eyes could see. I was frequently threatened with exclusion from games at the playground if I didn’t ‘loosen up and smile.’ I could understand my classmate’s lack of hindsight; they were children just like me, after all. That did not make me less terrified of their threats, though. The playground was the only space I could be with other children my age. Back home, taking part in my cousins’ playtime was also accompanied by mockery and one or other form of bullying. Even then, they rarely included me. About that, these days, most people regard me as a ‘social butterfly’ or ‘the indisputable life of any party.’ I am a people person, no doubt about that; however, sometimes I wonder within me, is the reason I celebrate being surrounded by people really because I really, really love to be surrounded by people always, or is there more to it than that? Can I not get enough people now because I was once denied this basic necessity as a child? Mmmmm, I bet Freud would have had a helluva time with me on his couch on that one! Anyway, back to the story…on the few occasions my cousins invited me to play, I was so conscious of not displeasing them that I played as if my life depended on it. The school was the only place I had the chance to be me, to be a child. I didn’t want to risk being excluded.
And so whenever my school mates told me to ‘stop frowning and smile’, I would swipe my palm back and forth across my brow and tried to smooth out the furrows crisscrossing it. I smile sadly when I think about that today. Children really are the personification of innocence. To assume I could wipe off misery by physically smoothing out the worried lines on my forehead. Mmmh.
