Oh, God, Please, Make Me Grow As Tall As A Giant!
You will never be enough (or do enough) for someone who is determined to see only the worst in you.
The three days Aunty drove me to sleep outside was the second time I came close to being raped while under my uncle’s care. The first time was a few months after I arrived in Lagos when a neighbour’s teenage son, who must have been about sixteen years at the time, began exposing himself to me regularly. The boy’s name was Yomi. Even though I was barely nine years old when it happened, I will never forget that name. When I reported the indecent action to Aunty, her response was. ‘So, as small as you are, you’ve already started noticing men?’ When I shook my head and told her that I hadn’t called for the strange gesture in any shape or form, my uncle’s wife replied, ‘You are lying. You must have done something to make him do that.’
That first distrust and accusation made me wary about bringing any more matter of that kind to her awareness. And so, for as long as we stayed in that address, I was forced to suffer Yomi’s despicable torments in silence. That that boy didn’t eventually rape me was not for lack of trying. Even today, I am convinced that God’s mercy and care were what stayed in his hand. But even though I was not physically molested, the fact that Yomi was always lying in wait to pull at and grab me when no one was watching, the fact that he frequently exposed himself to me, the fact that he made surreptitious lewd gestures when no one was watching created such a fear in me that I began having nightmares. That was when the dream of being always pursued by dark forces began — the dream I mentioned on my Medium blog page as a conversation between a child and a grandmother.
Aunt’s verbal onslaughts were not directed on me alone. She derogated my parents, too. This made me really sad. I could have taken any beating, any punching, any pinching, any slapping (however hard) than have my parents spoken about in the manner she consistently did. But I had no say in the matter. Again, my little cousins picked that up as well.
You will never be enough (or do enough) for someone determined to see only the worst in you!
Uncle’s wife, unkindness did not make sense. Despite all my effort to be a good girl, to speak only when I was permitted, eat only what I was allowed to eat, touched only what I was permitted to touch or laugh only when it was okay to laugh. Whatever I did was never enough. That unkindness left little to recognize that I was still family despite not being one of the uncle’s children. It left a small room to celebrate my usefulness in any way or to acknowledge that I was good for anything. Even when I bruised my little hands trying to wash her uniform to her satisfaction, even when I starched, blued, and iron them without a crease n sight, it all wasn’t enough. As far as Aunty was concerned, every chore I performed was never ‘properly’ done. If I mess up any task, I was stupid, good for nothing worthless and useless thing.’ When I got it right, it was, ‘oh, so you had eyes in your head today, why didn’t you mess it up as you did the last time?’ Or ‘it’s obvious you intentionally get things wrong, ‘ibak nkpo’ –wicked thing.
Aunty ridiculed my entire personality and mimicked the way I spoke. The way I walked was wrong, too — she frequently mimicked that as well. If I went on an errand and I didn’t get back on time, she would imitate my steps on my arrival, and her children would laugh and mock me. She regularly called me ‘Ikpon.’ In Ibibio, Ikpon is similar to a dwarf but only similar. Dwarfism assumes that something in your genes prevented or stunted your growth. Ikpon, on the other hand, implies that your inability to grow is your fault, that you are ‘deliberately’ refusing to grow or that your lack of growth is a result of some inner, impossible-to-eradicate wickedness. Calling someone ‘Ikpon’ in our society is not only extremely offensive but a form of humiliation. It is aimed at making that person feel insignificant. That was why my daily prayer as a ward of my uncle included a petition to God to make me grow like a giant.’ It was one of my most fervent prayers.
