The mirror will only show you what you already believe in your heart. So, let your heart hold on to the knowledge that you are more than what happened to you.
The mirror experience marked the beginning of my confrontation with myself. It marked the day that I began saying, ‘enough is enough’ for real. For a long time, I hadn’t lived my life in ways that honour me. For a long time, I had put the needs of others first, while mine were always on the very bottom of the needs-to-be-met ladder; so much so that those needs had become barely noticeable.
Love that demands you make yourself less-than before it can make itself available is narcissism in disguise!
But that day I said enough is enough to my past; to other people’s idea of how I should talk, think or behave; to the internalisation of other’s negative opinion; to unhealthy self-critiquing and second-guessing. It was the beginning of saying ‘no’ to allowing others to guilt-trip me into taking responsibility for their acts of irresponsibility. It was the day I learned that I did not have to ‘earn’ love to be loved. Most importantly, it was the beginning of knowing that I could just be me — the good, the bad and the ugly of me — and to heck with what anyone thought! It was the day that I accepted that it was still okay to be just me despite not being perfect. It was the beginning of knowing that I was enough. It was the day that my voice, which had been stifled and pushed down through years of deliberate abuse and neglect, began to resurface. It was the day I made up my mind to never again accept no without first asking why.
That’s not to say that my healing took place overnight or that I didn’t fall off the wagon a few times enroute the self-discovery. I did, many times. But I did begin to summon up the courage to deal with all the messes that had plagued me most of my life — the abuse at the hands of my uncle’s wife, the life-altering incidence referenced in BUT HE CALLS ME BLESSED! When the Unbelievable Happens to Believers and the marriage that further broke rather than build me up. Additionally, I never again avoided looking at myself in the mirror. In fact I became quite an avid lover of the mirror (as those who know me can attest) and have remained one ever since. These days it is rare for me to pass a mirror without taking a peek. I do so unashamedly, unapologetically and proudly. It’d taken long time to master, but I became true to myself and no longer shielded away or looked for every bit of flaw to nit-pick and criticise. And I’ve continued to stay true to myself ever since. My I-think-I am-freaking-great aura drives some people mad sometimes, of course. But, as the French would say, tant pis.
A few years after the mirror experience, a close friend was asked to describe me and how we met. Here’s a part of what she said, ‘When I first met Sara (sic.) my first impression of her was…’ effervescent’… that’s right, bright, bubbly, talkative, humorous, restless even.’ When I saw the article I thought, wow! I’ve certainly come complete circle!
